10 Misconceptions About Death-Rays

 

If you’re an aspiring super-villain or already have a bit of experience under your nefarious utility belt, you’ve probably already completed several advanced degrees in the disciplines of physics, engineering, medicine, philosophy, as well as some training in the mystic arts and realms. You have also already found space for your criminal lair and are stockpiling equipment, computers, research, and all manner of weaponry. 

 

One of the staples in the super-villain repertoire is, of course, the Death-Ray. And as many types and sizes they come in there is also a lot of misinformation concerning this standard piece of equipment. What follows is a brief, and I hope helpful voyage into the one weapon no evil-doer can be without. So without further ado, please note 10 misconceptions about death-rays. 

 

1.       “The Death-Ray must cause death.” False! The Death-Ray can and should be used to cause all manner of discomfort! From the comical maddening itch beam all the way to the projectile vomiting and explosive diarrhea ray, make each weapon your own! And don’t forget the unrelenting orgasm ray – you are a super-villain, after all!

2.       “The Death-Ray should be a certain size.” The death ray can be as large or small as you desire. A garage door opener sized handheld device, a traditional ray gun, or even a massive device that takes up the roof of a skyscraper! It’s your death-ray!

3.       “The Death-Ray should only be used against the hero.” Negative! The neighbor who lets his dog poop in your yard is a prime candidate for the death-ray! Rude people, government offices (the DMV comes to mind), and simply anyone who rubs you the wrong way are all targets for your wrath.

4.       “You must have a working Death-Ray to hold the city hostage.” No. You can always assert you have a working instrument that can kill thousands but only have an untested prototype. You’re a super-villain. Lie.

5.       “You need millions of dollars to build your death ray but you need a death ray to get millions of dollars.” As a super-villain you must develop and, more importantly, use out of the box thinking! Rob a bank or two, poison the city’s water supply, build a tiny death ray and kill a few dozen people, kidnapping, ransom, blackmail, etc. are not beneath you. Please note the super in super-villain. I mean, we’re talking about death-rays here…we’ve already established you’re not a nice guy.

6.       “The Death-Ray should be powered by fissionable material.” Untrue! Your death ray can be powered by whatever material you decide! Nuclear, electric, hydrogen, hydro – it’s up to you! And it doesn’t even have to be stable! Imagine the fun when the hero defeats you and the death ray blows up anyway! Good times!

7.       “It takes too long to construct a Death-Ray.” One word – Henchmen. They’re easy to hire, cheap, not the brightest bulbs (let’s face it – if they were criminal geniuses they’d be higher on the villain food chain) and, as an added bonus, they die – frequently. I mean, they’re even more death-prone than red shirted security men on Star Trek!

8.       “The super-villain must be there to activate the Death-Ray.” Perhaps in the past but in this digital age one can set off a very satisfying beam of death from thousands of miles away. Timers, remote control, and good old fashioned mental telepathy are all viable methods. And remember your henchmen! They’re happy to press the button you’ve plainly marked ‘lights’ on the Death-Ray panel thereby activating the ray and destroying the eastern seaboard.

9.       “My girlfriend, wife, other-dimensional lover will hate me if I use the Death-Ray to kill millions.” Possibly. But, chances are she knows you’re a super-villain already so I think one can be certain she likes the bad boys. Using the death ray may just make her frisky! I would, however, incorporate more leather into your super-villain costume and even the death ray itself. Chicks did leather. And scars. Get a scar.

10.   “I’ll get captured if I use the Death-Ray.” Well…it is a death ray and you’ve just killed hundreds of thousands or even millions. They will be looking for you, they won’t stop, and chances are they will capture you. Don’t worry. I suspect you’ll be a legend before you get to prison. Also, you’ve built a death ray! The first one is always the hardest – I suspect now you’ll be able to build one using a paperclip, the cardboard in the middle of a roll toilet paper, and a rubber band. And a little plutonium. But you’re a super-villain in prison. Plutonium is a dime a dozen there. And don’t forget – prison is full of henchmen!

 

I hope this short essay has allayed your fears and answered some questions about your death-ray. I look forward to reading about the mischief you’ve created soon.

 

Happy Death-Raying!